white tissue roll on white table

O M F ing G

O M F ing G is a brand new, original song, dedicated to those who are freaking the heck out about toilet paper as the COVID-19 virus spreads. Here in Australia we have supermarkets completely sold out of the stuff, while staples like canned foods and pastas are in plentiful supply.

Wash your hands folks. Stay home if you’re feeling crook. Enjoy this short little life we have – as Douglas Adams wrote – DON’T PANIC!

Written, performed, recorded, mastered, sterilised with disinfectant by Richard Thornton


O M F ing G, there’s a virus going ‘round.
What the heck am I supposed to do, woohoo.
Quarantine is likely. My fear is growing nightly.
Just imagine if I’ve got to poo.

O M F ing G I could come down with a fever and be
Stuck at home for fourteen days with you,
I’ll duck down to the supermarket, maybe buy some soup but fuck it
Terrifies me I might have to poo.

O M F ing G there’s so much I have to buy, I just can’t
Think of what we’ll need when this comes through,
Should I buy some rice or pasta, stuff that might just last a week or
Two, NOPE I’m going to have to poo.

O M F ing G I can’t find the toilet paper.
I only want to buy a box or two,
A fight breaks out in aisle three so they don’t notice me take off with
Half their stash of paper for my poo.

O M F ing G, I’m at home in quarantine.
The toilet paper’s stuck up neatly in the loo.
I wish I had some laxative. I’m bound up by the drugs they give.
God, I wish that I could do a poo.